I am Vulnerable

     This was a difficult piece for me to write. As a male I have built a persona around that uber male way, you know, that I'm a man and that means not being vulnerable. As a survivor of sexual abuse, there was a point as a very young man I made certain that I was never going to be vulnerable again. I built a fortress around my heart and guarded it with vigilance. As a boy I had part of my nature ripped from me, and when that happens you are never the same.
     Recently I was blessed to go through a process that had me examine me. It had me get to the root of me and who I am. It was emotional, painful, hard work, and spiritually uplifting beyond words. And I made a choice to do it. Part of that process had me look at what it means to be vulnerable. In that learning I discovered something amazing. To be vulnerable is to be human. To be vulnerable is to be a man. This process for me could be likened to using a drill to drill through your own hand by choice. All that I was had been built around not being vulnerable. I had to turn my personal philosophy upside down and allow myself to see the possibility that being vulnerable would bring freedom.
     Isn't it unique that being vulnerable could bring me freedom? I experienced this once before when I looked my abuser in the eye and gave him forgiveness. That release of anger, hatred, and disgust was freeing. As I went through my process and faced my choice to be vulnerable something amazing happened! I was forgiving myself. This forgiveness was about opening my heart to possibilities about myself. By not allowing myself to be vulnerable I closed myself of from my true nature. I closed myself off from living, from exploring, from being instead of doing. I am afraid, I can honestly say that. But I am also alright with being afraid.
     Being vulnerable to me means being human. Being human means to live life in the pursuit mode. By not being vulnerable, what I was doing was decaying rather than growing. So life in my fortress was not pursuit. Life was darkness and fear. I came to realize that I was not being human. I want to be human. So I go forward with my mind open.  I can be smart and be vulnerable. I can protect my best interests and be vulnerable. I can create my life instead of just surviving it by being vulnerable. I am vulnerable

God Bless

Daniel

"Breaking the chains of ordinary and the curse of mediocrity."